Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
You Might Also Like
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.