Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
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My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.