Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
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[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down