Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
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It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Good morning!
huge valentines day plans this year!!
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth