Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
You Might Also Like
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them