i’ve had this nightmare before 馃槺
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To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 馃グ馃グ馃グ
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
This is my bus stop.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don鈥檛 know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won鈥檛 happen again.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you鈥檙e almost immediately forgiven.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.