Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
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Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
who wore it better?
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.