[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
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Oh the world we live in…
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.