So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
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Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”