Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
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ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
🤣😂🤣
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”