Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
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Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
technically true but not a great slogan
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed