Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
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You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.