If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
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People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.