Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
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I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*