my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
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me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.