Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
You Might Also Like
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.