reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
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The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.