There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
You Might Also Like
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.