SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
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Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.