I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
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Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
How dude HOW?!
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
New tinder profile pic
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats