What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
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I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Tony Hawk, age 6
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.