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Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.