Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
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Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
*jingles half the way*
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
me refusing to leave twitter
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that