My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
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Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade