this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
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Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
My typo game is string.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.