amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
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Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist