I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
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Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Breaking news:
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Money is the root of all wealth
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.