The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
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“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
me as a parent
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.