me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
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Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
A short story about romance.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.