God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
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People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
This is a whole mood;
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
The symmetry is uncanny.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help