[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
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Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.