Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
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Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
did it work
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Who called it baking and not making love
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I think they could have phrased this better
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No