At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
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I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
it was love at first sight
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.