I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
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I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction