Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
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Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”