Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
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One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
😂😂
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Should I call tech support or pray or what
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.