Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
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watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
technically true but not a great slogan
God, I love Scotland
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave