“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
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I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.