I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
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STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…