Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
You Might Also Like
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.