I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
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‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.