Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
You Might Also Like
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Just a phase…
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.