Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
You Might Also Like
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”