[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
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Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
The three genders
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.