She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
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My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on