[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
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[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.