Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
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me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*