What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
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I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I bet
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
a god among men
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same