Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
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“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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