My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
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Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.